It was my stupidity really.
Having missed my period for around three weeks now, I thought of testing for pregnancy on the day of my hubby's birthday. I was caught up in my fantasies of waking him up with the happy news, forgetting to brace myself for a negative result.
So I failed to anticipate how depressed i'd get.
How bitter and resentful i'd be... of life, of my husband, and on his birthday too.
But what can I do? I physically long to be pregnant again... for all the wrong and right reasons man can think of. I just really feel that it's time for the next one... and I really want to be 'cooking up' the next one already. So negative results in a pregnancy test will always feel like I was denied, deprived... weirdly enough, it feels like i've lost someone.
That lonesome strip dashed hopes and dreams of a new life, of a new somebody to love and learn from, to raise and nurture, to influence and witness.
Sigh.
*~*
Just for the record though, my one child fills my life with lots of blessings and happiness and reasons to be thankful for. And I really think it is because of this that I want more kids.
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