Monday, November 17, 2008

A Mother's Heart Crying

It was my stupidity really.

Having missed my period for around three weeks now, I thought of testing for pregnancy on the day of my hubby's birthday. I was caught up in my fantasies of waking him up with the happy news, forgetting to brace myself for a negative result.

So I failed to anticipate how depressed i'd get.

How bitter and resentful i'd be... of life, of my husband, and on his birthday too.

But what can I do? I physically long to be pregnant again... for all the wrong and right reasons man can think of. I just really feel that it's time for the next one... and I really want to be 'cooking up' the next one already. So negative results in a pregnancy test will always feel like I was denied, deprived... weirdly enough, it feels like i've lost someone.

That lonesome strip dashed hopes and dreams of a new life, of a new somebody to love and learn from, to raise and nurture, to influence and witness.



Just for the record though, my one child fills my life with lots of blessings and happiness and reasons to be thankful for. And I really think it is because of this that I want more kids.

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