Pondering The Next Baby

As I dream and wish and hope for another baby with my husband, I also can't help but feel bittersweet about all the things that will be different.

First of all, for sure, the anticipation won't be the same. After all, that's always gone to the first child. And though we'd love to have a girl next time, it isn't that big a deal that we'd have more and more just to have one.

And then there's Yakee, a demanding, hyper toddler who is still breastfeeding from me. Sometimes, I ache for the possibility of having to turn him away because a preggy me is nauseous, or can't breastfeed anymore. Sometimes, I wonder if all the breastfeeding and the rough play are preventing me to conceive. But the point still is, Yakee will be there to demand time and care. What will I do if I am pregnant but Yakee gets sick enough to require hospitalization?

Actually, I already had an answer to these questions. Go with the younger one or the one who needs me the most. After all, the older one has already enjoyed me, now it's the younger one's turn. But both will be my child and regardless of whether one of them needs me more, it doesn't erase the fact that am needed and wanted.

So yeah, I salute the parents who have lots of kids and manage to make each child feel loved. And certainly, it is the heart that gets divided or torn apart, not the love.