Was Sad Yesterday

Because of our higher electric bill, and the meds and possibly another ultrasound I need for my delicate pregnancy, I was depressed yesterday over our limited disposable income. It's not that I was hoping to buy christian louboutin shoes or anything as grand, but I was planning on buying a new bathing suit. Plus, we're going to Marinduque this May and would need extra cash for terminal fees, spending money and emergency cash.

Then again, I had to remind myself that we wanted this second baby. Of course, I didn't know I'd be spotting again and requiring Duphaston again. But still, we wanted to expand the family so there really aren't regrets there.

And I am actually earning from my writing, however minimal. I haven't gotten hold of the checks yet because somebody made the mistake of issuing them to a Maureen Bartolome. Hehe. But those are at least enough to make sure we're not using the credit card.

Was sad yesterday. I have a better perspective now.

Life Shelved as Life Grows

We had a choice.

I had a choice.

We could have chosen more sex, more US time, more money for travels and dates. We could have built the house first, with a master bath and maybe a yard that goes on forever. We could have chosen to go abroad first and try a life outside this country of ours. We could have built a business, I could have specialized at school and maybe pursued another career. I could have chosen to amuse myself with Outer banks foreclosures and resort memberships.

I could have chosen a great many other things.

But I chose motherhood.

Now, even trivial things like renewing a PRC license has to wait.

And yes, sometimes I do resent having to give things up or not having nice things. I get envious when I read of friends being able to afford trips and gadgets and other luxuries. But I have never regretted it.

How can I? I think I have chosen motherhood to define me even at an early age. I always wanted to be a Mom. And I do find it rewarding.

The Hazards of Having a Toddler

I wonder if life insurance rates take into account the fact of a toddler in the house. Because they really add a certain level of stress that is bound to result in a slew of health concerns, from reduced immunity (from the lack of sleep and stress) to heart attacks.

I kid you not.

Yesterday, my son decided to throw a tantrum by the edge of the road, with passing trucks and cars roaring just a foot or two away. He refused to be carried, refused to stand up, walk, etc. My cousin and I didn't want to force him so much lest it results in an accident, with him falling or running towards the traffic.

For several moments, I really wondered where my sweet child had gone and prayed that we can go back home safely. See, my imagination was working overdrive as well. Accidents happen freakily after all.

Then my son insisted I carry him, which I could but only for a short while. I am still spotting and accompanying him in his swimming lessons is already taxing enough. He's only about 27 lbs. but he has been hyper in my arms since Day One. That's stress I really can't deal with because I have to mind my health and Yamee's sure development as well.

Am sure other parents have equally sorry tales to tell.

Having a toddler is hazardous to one's health. Yakee missed telling me he peed somewhere and I slipped there. And I keep slipping on his toys. Hazardous. Dangerous. Stressful.

Which is why I realy celebrate all the moments when he's asleep.

When to Have Baby Baptized

With Yakee, we originally planned to have him baptized in time with his first birthday so that we'd just splurge on a party once. But since he was born in October and we wanted to make the Christmas rounds, and my Mom was here from the US, we had him baptized before Mom left.

With Yamee, we agreed again to have him baptized by his first birthday. But I still don't know. If my Mom arrives in December, I might want again to have Yamee baptized before she leaves. I just really like having my parents there for my kids' baptism because they're part of who's welcoming my child to the Christian world.

My sister cannot definitely make it, which is really sad. But her priority right now is to pass the NCLEX and concentrate on her healthcare job search. She's already 24 so she really has to start earning professionally.

Well, a lot will also depend on whether we'd have money for a baptism we'd be comfortable giving. We've always been a little particular about food... and that costs us.

Hormones and the First Trimester

I think the raging hormones during a woman's first trimester also serves another purpose other than developing a fetus. It's also nature's way of making sure a woman doesn't put on weight the first three months since she's likely to put on a lot the next six months. Even the safest weight loss pills couldn't hold a candle to the perpetual nausea and total lack of appetite as well as the aversions to old favorites.

And yes, I am sort of griping again.

But at least, I am on my 10th week now. That leaves me with just two more weeks and then I may feel blessedly like myself again.

In the meantime, a breakfast of milk and papaya would just have to do.

Awake from Hunger Again

Sometimes I really do wonder if this will be my life for the next seven months, waking up at around three or four in the morning because I am hungry. It makes me concerned that I might gain too much weight or develop gestational diabetes but it's also not like I can just take some adipex p for this. I am pregnant after all. This is my body's way of telling me it needs something.

I'd love to binge on fruits but can't even tolerate bananas anymore. And I so miss eating bananas everyday!!!

I can eat melon and singkamas though. Maybe even papaya. And yeah, buko meat too. Alkaline-based fruits mostly. If it's sweet or citrusy/sour, I can't enjoy it because I'd just be acidic and suffering from indigestion. I am actually sorry I can't eat indian mangoes or sineguelas, sniff, sniff.

I should invest on low-fat milk also because I drink too much of it these days. I try to avoid juice for the sugar (and well, I tried pineapple juice and it didn't agree with me) so milk is the only filling alternative I have. I try to limit even my cracker intake because it's carbs.

Good for me, I have always had more discipline with food while pregnant.

But I hate having to wake up to eat! Ugh.

Missing Feeding Yakee

Whenever I'm sitting by the PC and Yakee approaches me for a cuddle, almost always I start positioning him in the cradle hold, ready to breastfeed. Always, I catch myself just in time.

I actually don't think he'd actually nurse again even if he still pays homage to my breasts and would sniff at them.

Anyway, it is in such moments that I realize I really, really, really miss the intimacy of holding him in that way, and nurturing him in that way. Thank God for two years and four months of such a rewarding relationship... and now, at least I can say I am starting to look forward to doing it again with my second child.

Breastfeeding changes women.

Griping Preggo

I had the pregnancy glow in my first pregnancy. I had it so well that I have never looked more flawless in my life. But now I catch myself browsing sites like www.bestacnecreams.com because I am missing the pregnancy glow so bad! To think I do get some sleep most nights.

And now, I am feeling crampy and restless in the legs. I wish it's just a silent wish to go shopping but it's not. It's kinda like that feeling you get when you're about to have cramps running up your leg, or after having been woken up by cramps in the middle of the night.

I still wake up at 3 or 4 in the morning and can't get comfortable again. I also can't get by on a small pack of biscuits anymore. I do not want to overeat because I do not want to court gestational diabetes. Plus, it's not like I can eat a lot because I suffer from indigestion and constipation a lot too.

I wasn't like this at all before. Sigh. I am getting cranky and peevish and all kinds of mental just because I am feeling out of sorts.

I also retch more when I get hungry but feel dizzy after I have eaten.

Oh, hormones!

I Hope if I Have a Girl

I hope if I have a girl that I will still let her have all the fun and learning she wants without worries of her getting bruised or darker skin.

And that I will raise her with complete confidence on her abilities rather than on her looks. And that we will spend more energy on what's fun and entertaining rather than what looks BEST on her.

I hope, if I have a girl, I won't be more protective and thus, more restrictive with her than what is healthy and necessary. I hope I don't deny her opportunities for growth just because I am afraid of what can happen to a girl like her. I hope I also assure her everyday that she is protected and safe. I hope I know where the fine line is and walk it.

I hope I don't mistake self-expression for tastelessness, and let her go attending Mass in short shorts and gladiator heels, no matter what age she may be. I hope I can teach her to wield her sensuality not as a weapon, but as an ability no more important than her intelligence and concern for others.

I hope I raise her with the passion and tenacity to pursue her dreams, and yet also choose to build her own home and bask in the glory of a happy family. I hope I raise her believing in breastfeeding, not because I am passionate about it, but because she has found her own reasons to give of herself that way.

I hope I don't raise her like a princess, fragile, pampered and out of touch with reality. Unless maybe a warrior princess, able to fend for herself and defend the things that are important to her.

And yet, I hope I don't get too paranoid about gendering her the wrong way that I go extreme myself.

It's already a given that if I have a girl, I will love and care and raise her a little differently. Aside from being a unique person with different motivations, she'd also be a girl with particular roles to play in society. But I really hope I raise her a person first and a girl second.

I think most parents are freer with their sons. Boys are expected to be rowdy and have scars and be dirty and so they have more fun. It's important my girl will have all the fun she can get. The years of double standards shouldn't start in her childhood, under my care.

I want her defined by her sex, not limited by it, so that she can grow up celebrating her difference. But before she is different, she is still a child first. A little person. One with as much dignity and potential as a boy.

It would be a shame to shame her into behaving just because she was a girl.

*~*

And heaven really help if I ever give birth to the most kikay of kikays the world will ever see. For I wouldn't want to curtail her personality either... but gawsh... I am so not kikay.

Breath Caught for a Heartbeat

I went back to my original OB yesterday because I am still spotting. But since I got pregnant without help, she wasn't as concerned as she was when it was my first pregnancy.

I had to have a repeat ultrasound because my first (for this pregnancy) showed only a gestational sac. After being poked by that thingie for the trans-V, I held my breath and watched the monitor.

And I saw the form of the fetus.

And I started tearing up.

My OB said, heartbeat is good and proceeded to point it out to me. I just said yes, I see it,but really didn't notice the blinking thing that told me before that Yakee's heart is really beating inside me. But according to the ultrasound, Yamee's heart is beating a sweet and healthy 168 beats per minute.

I am in love in a major way again. And I think this is really one of those moments a mother lives for.

*~*

No internal bleeding either so I wasn't even ordered to go on bed rest. She said I may be having psychological bleeding instead. Wahahaha.

I Need Space from my Son

What's an mmf drawer? I thought for a while that I was being assigned something kinky, hahaha.

Anyway, I need space from my son. He's developed this habit, despite repeated scolding, timeouts, reprimands, timeouts, reminding, timeouts, of climbing over people especially me. He'd ride on me, step on me, walk on me, sit on me, crawl on me, jump on me, hang from me and keep trying to squeeze, squash and scratch me.

I need space.

Plus, he's hurting me a lot. And annoying me to high heaven. And making me feel hotter in this summer heat.

I hate waking up only to turn him away. I hate having to scold. And it's not like am not hugging him enough because I do. Somehow though, he isn't contented with hugs and am not getting through him to be gentler with me.

I need space.

*~*

Mmf drawers are cash drawers, I later learn. Hehe.

Serious Question

I am hormonal.

And I am sad. I just finished my cancer foundation article which brought me memories of Pyro.

And I have a serious question.

IF MOTHERS ALREADY KNOW BECAUSE IT HAS BEEN PROVEN A SCIENTIFIC FACT THAT BREASTFEEDING REDUCES CHILDHOOD CANCER RISK FOR THEIR BABIES, WHY ARE THEY STILL GIVING FORMULA?

I dare not even ask why, when it's also a proven scientific fact that breastfeeding reduces their uterine, ovarian and breast cancer risks, they don't do it for themselves. But as a Mom, why won't you make that investment for your child's health? I will never ever wish for any parent to go through what we had to go through but do have to go through that before you make the informed choice to breastfeed?

Cancer is so heartbreaking.

So it's really heartbreaking for me to have to convince women to breastfeed. All the best for your child, right? One of them happens to be something only you can give.

My Super Impatient Son...

My son, when he wants to be, is such a charmer, he'd probably get rich selling auto insurance. Unfortunately, he has more impatient days than really charming days, and more stubborn moments than receptive and open moments these days.

And I blame myself.

Well, it's not my fault really. It's not like I did anything bad to him. But he is pushing the issue of his independence at a time when he must also feel that something about his circumstances is about to change. Already, hubs has really been strict with him about being rough with Mommy. And Mommy's self-preservation instincts really cannot appreciate the hyper boy that is him.

Heaven help us indeed!

My Son's Growing Independence

Aside from having mastered the art of preempting scoldings by saying sorry in a really pitiful voice, my son is really striking out on his own so much more these days that it's hard to keep up.

Just the other day, he ran to me at the other house saying "sorry, Mommy, sorry!" It turned out, he tried getting water from the water jug on his own. He did fill his cup but also ended up spilling a lot of water. I ended up needing three rugs to wipe all the spills he made in a span of two minutes that I wasn't looking. And he spilled a lot of water not just from getting water from the jug, but also from trying to transfer water from cup to cup.

Sigh.

Now we have this ritual where he'd remove my socks in the morning after I remove his.

Pregnancy Can be so Lonely at Times

I have great support in my life, just for the record. But people can only do so much. It's still just me and this growing life inside me half the time.

It's just me and this baby in the wee hours of the morning when I get hungry, feel nauseous, or have a splitting headache from all the hormones.

It's just all me with the twitches and cramping, the back ache, the weird feeling about my hips, and the engorged breasts.

It's just me feeling that something's wrong. It's just me feeling restless and in turmoil inside. It's just me with my fears about doing right, doing enough, doing what's best.

It's just me with the weird dreams in my sleep.

It's just me with the fluctuating moods and feelings.

And then, it's just me getting stretched as the baby grows big... and only me really delivering the baby.

And even if other moms can relate, for we all go through it like this, it's really a very personal journey. And pregnancies are never the same, even if some are blessed with really smooth ones. Because circumstances change, we get older, have different aspirations, and deal with different things at different points in our lives.

Pregnancy can be so lonely at times.

*~*

Then again, I guess this is really the basic explanation for the sacred mother and child bond. We know our child first. Our child knows us first.

Preggy Sloth

Ever since I got pregnant, I have been remiss in applying for new job opportunities at Odesk. And to think I really need to earn a lot in the coming seven months to help augment our financial situation! And it's not that my mind has gone blank, thankfully, I am actually feeling more creative. But I am also tired all the time. All I want to do is curl up and lie there all day, with breaks for snacks and trips to the rest room.

Hormones!

The heat may be aggravating everything!

But I really, really need to earn! Not just for the delivery costs and the vitamins but also for new maternity wear! I'd love to go shopping for new and fab nursing wear and take advantage of the really sexy and enticing maternity wear out now. Shucks!

Not that I have anywhere to go.

Hope I still get that gig with that clothing company.

My Cryer Nephew

My nephew is a cryer.

And now that my brother sometimes leaves him with us, I get how he must have frustrated my brother and sister-in-law. Because when he starts crying, he refuses to stop. And it's not just your typical crying either. He wails and screams, the kind that grates on your nerves and makes you want to stuff a pillow on his face just to have some peace. I swear, it will make anyone reading proactiv reviews because it's stressful listening to him.

He's just like the neighbor's kids all those years ago. Sigh.

Well, partly I think it's because he's a really sensitive child. When he's upset, he's upset and it takes him a long time to bounce back. Partly I think he has trained his parents to give in to him finally if he cries long enough.

And I am far from the enabler parent.

Anyway, he cried when he was left with us this afternoon. Normally,my cousin gives in and takes him out but as she was busy with Facebook, and I don't hang outside, we just let him cry in our arms. We'd sometimes talk to him in a soothing voice but generally just really let him cry and braced ourselves to go deaf by the end of the day.

Fortunately, he got tired after 45 minutes of wailing. Then he started playing as if he wasn't crying like crazy for almost an hour. Peace was had at last! Hopefully it gets better over time till he's down to just a minute of all those drama.

I love him but really, he has to outgrow the crying!

Same and Different

People have started asking if my pregnancy's the same as before.

In a way, it's the same. We weren't expecting it. We found out about it real early. There's the sensisitivity to smells and dizziness and exhaustion and insomnia. And I spotted both times.

Hopefully, i'd stop spotting soon.

But there are minute differences. Hubs pointed out that before, I just didn't have any appetite. Now, I have particular aversions. I can't tolerate the smell of chocolate drinks, sweetened milk, covered food and chicken. I can't eat champorado, which was the only thing that had 'taste' for me before. I can't eat sotanghon soup.

Oh and I do have cravings. Bagoong. Salt. I think I ate bad this week, bicol express and binagoongan and indian mangoes with some soy sauce, aside from tomatoes with soy sauce. Hello bloat! Argh.

And I ate two cheese floss breads from Dough Joe.

Not sure if i'm going to lose weight or gain much. Yikes. Not that am about to go clicking when I see "click here to lose weight fast" anywhere.

Another same thing is the allergic rhinitis episode during the pregnancy. And the most I could be given is Salinase for my nose. Sigh.

I think I was wrong now in only listing 7 Most Annoying Things While Being Pregnant.

Bullying in America, Bullying Here

A friend in the States is contemplating homeschooling because news of bullying in her country (with at least three kids committing suicide last March).

Even parents in the country have been reporting bullying on their kids. A friend even changed schools three times because her youngest was being bullied. And that is one of the reasons, and one of the rewards, of homeschooling.

But I really don't want to homeschool because I want my kids to avoid bullying. I want to homeschool because I want to mold his character as best I could so they'd grow up productive members of the society. And homeschooled kids do not exist in a vacuum. Bullying can still happen within the community, in sports meets, even maybe in family reunions.

And how do you avoid raising door mats or bullies? Where is that fine line?

Parents are typically scared most of their kids being bullied. So plans of enrolling their kids in self-defense classes are always a top strategy. But it's just as easy to raise an empowered child who is soooo empowered, he drives others crazy as well.

What even struck me the most about the news is how bullying has changed. Bullies have ganged up, gone subtle and logged online. It will really be harder for parents to detect these things because not only do we not have the energy to go through every site they go to, it would also be wrong. I mean, there's supervision and there's disrespect of their privacy.

How do you teach your child to come to you for help?
How do you teach your child to not attract bullies?
How do you teach your child to learn, even from other people's mistakes?
How do you teach your smart, beautiful child that she is not more important or special than others? That she doesn't have any entitlements?
How do you teach your child where to draw the line? That what's fun or harmless for him may really be hurtful to others?
How do you teach a child to handle peer pressure and lynch mob mentality?
How do you ensure that your child will have friends?
How do you teach your child to react better to adversities?
How? How? How?

*~*

Please also read the interview of Susan Klebold, the mother of the Columbine 'killer.'

Because it would indeed be wrong to always assume both bullies and bullied kids were not loved, or loved enough. There isn't just one victim when such tragedies happen.

Overweight Preggo

I was an overweight preggo before and I am more so now. But since I can't exactly concern myself with any weight loss product available for the next three years or so, I am just hoping that breastfeeding will do it for me again. Lose about forty pounds, that is.

But I am getting ahead of myself. Who knows how much i'd gain for this pregnancy. A part of me wishes I wouldnt gain any more but that would be unhealthy for my growing baby. It's just that I know this pregnancy's weigt gain will be harder to shake off and easier to gain back since I am older now. That's metabolism and age for you.

Hopefully, I will have the presence of mind not to stress eat when I get my appetite back. And start exercising asap just because I like exercising. It's really imperative I stay healthy because i'd be trying to keep up with two kids now.

Heaven help me.

My Strong, Strong Man

In a way, I am one proud Momma that my son does not need any hgh supplement at all, to build muscles. In his average frame, he seems to have lots of them.

Allow me to backtrack a little.

Spending the weekend with the in-laws subjected us again to the usual comments over his frame. They think he's thin.

And yet our son can hold onto the handles of great glass doors and brace himself up. Such is his upper body strength. He can also dance for hours and support himself on one foot already. He can carry and push heavy things, much to our dismay, and he really can land on you with force. He can also slap and kick and hurt you.

My son doesn't seem to have baby fats anymore but he has baby muscles. Hehe. I just know he's going to grow up a really strong man so i really hope I could get him into good sports classes.

Coincidence?

Okay, here's the truth and nothing but the truth so help me heaven.

January of 2007, I was twenty pounds heavier than when I got married. So when my in-laws were raving about these slimming pills they get from Binondo, I asked for a box and tried it especially since they said there wouldn't be any sojourns to the CR like with other slimming products.

So I started taking it, noticed a decrease in appetite, and that was that. Then my period did not come so I stopped taking it. Just to be careful. Then it ocurred to me to take a pregnancy test a few days after. I was pregant.

I discussed the possible effects of those slimming pills (can't even name it because it was all in Chinese) with my OB and made sure I ate and did healthy all throughout the pregnancy.

*~*

Fast forward to last February. I was 150+ pounds, almost the weight I was when I was 9 months pregnant. I officially weaned Yakee on Valentines Day. I also got my period then. I thought it was the perfect time to consume the Slenda box I got from a blogger event. So I started taking them. It said to pop a pill before meals but I wasn't very judicious about that.

Then March 14 came and went without me getting my period. I stopped taking Slenda then. Just to be careful, you know. I tested positive in March 30.

*~*

It could still be coincidence but two times of attempting to lose weight chemically and two pregnancies... that's pretty weird right? I sometimes kid hubs that we might have had multiples if I tried the quick trim fast cleanse, hehe.

And of course I worry if the Slenda pills would have side effects to the baby, and if they're in any way contributing to the nausea and all. But at least Slenda is supposedly made from natural ingredients, ingredients that I know (well, I don't know what Banaba is, but am sure my grandma knew about it). And I am working closely with doctors.

Maybe there's something in slimming pills that somehow help prep me up for pregnancy. Hmmm...

*~*

Oh and am not telling women out there to start taking slimming pills for pregnancy ha! I am just relating my story.

Here I Go Again

Around ten minutes after confirming that I am pregnant, I was sobbing in the dark while telling my husband of my sadness over having to say goodbye to the reality of only Yakee being there. Because right now, there is already someone else.

But I was also surprised at the rush of emotion for my son. I didn't know I will love him more, or my husband more, just because I found out we're expanding by one.

And there came again the old fears and concerns. And the hassle of having to deal with fluctuating hormones and the idea of breastfeeding again (when I have just weaned my son a month ago). Where to get the money? Where to get the energy? I certainly don't look forward to sleepless nights because I still remember too well how bad they were, or how badly I took them.

And yet there is also that inner peace brought about by the fact that we were blessed. And again, I am a really special person because I am the guardian of somebody so dependent on me for his/her survival. What a privilege to be chosen for this kind of responsibility.

Here I go again.

Here we go again.

I am sure I will be elated half the time, and gnashing teeth half the time.

There really isn't a dull moment in motherhood.

*~*

Chinese calendar says it's a girl :D I will do my best not to pin my hopes on that, haha.