Thursday, August 5, 2010

Anxieties Over This Second Pregnancy

I really believe that I my anxieties over pursuing a VBAC are really far more stressful than looking for a new house, or checking out cheap car insurance.

I admit, the most enticing thing about a VBAC now is that it will save us money. For a one-income family, this is not a joke.

The savings can be used for my second-born's baptism instead of us having to use hubby's Christmas bonus for that, and be really down to zero (well, not really zero, but you know what I mean).

But there is also that fact that since I advocate breastfeeding, I really should be more welcoming of labor and try avoid any tampering with my body.

But I am scared of labor. And my first delivery was a great CS experience. I actually cannot relate with what other women complain about. I mean sure, I get twinges of pain and all but nothing that really bothers me enough to even warrant a Plurk alert. I felt I recovered pretty well and the CS didn't pose any breastfeeding challenge for me. It was easy.

And then there's the fact that if my VBAC attempt fails, we'd still have CS and it will cost us more. I don't want to regret ever having tried VBAC and wasting more of my husband's money. Plus, all the complications a failed VBAC invites! Ugh.

I am praying for a sign. For courage to believe in my body's capacity, not just to carry a child but also to bear it, in the same way I believed I could nourish a baby. For wisdom to know when to quit while am ahead. For my heart to be in the right place.

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