Wednesday, November 17, 2010

I Got The Blues

With Yakee, tears came when he was born... and several days after.

With Yamee, however, tears have been my friend and solace everyday.

Of course, I shed tears when I heard Yamee cry... and those were tears of joy. But then, all the tears after that were unhappy, sometimes really resentful ones.

Like over the gas pain as I writhed in bed.

And having to ask that Yakee not be brought to the hospital because I couldn't deal with him and my pain and Yamee too.

And having a non-demanding Yamee and engorged breasts.

And every time Yakee goes shouting "Go away" or "Leave me alone," expressions he's picked up or were reinforced while we were away.

And every time Yakee would clamor for attention but Yamee will also start crying.

And the times Yamee's crying will wake up Yakee.

And all the times I wanted to sleep but can't.

All the times I need to get up and it hurts, physically, to do so.

Or Yakee having to sleep scrunched in the back seat.

And needing help, feeling undermined, being unheard.

I keep telling myself that I just gave birth. I don't need to make sense, I need to recover.

But even crying hurts me physically, so I cry more. And then I feel I don't really have anything to cry about, so I cry more again.

And I feel trapped in my anger and misery despite all the love and support I have in my life.

I got the blues.

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