Sunday, May 13, 2012

Mother's Day 2012 Reflection

I have been  a mother for 5 years already (counting pregnancy days) and sometimes I cannot help but be amazed at how much I have changed, and stayed the same.

My temper is still short, I am still lazy, I seldom finish tasks and suck at time management.

And yet, I have also learned to count to ten half the time, to work all day and through the night just to get things done and manage my days around my sons' schedule.

I am still selfish.

But I have also been breastfeeding since 2007.

I am still very obstinate... and yet I have reinvented myself and embraced new ways of doing and being.

But the more important thing is that... my kids keep getting me to revisit my past, for patterns and understanding, while I look to the future with my hopes and dreams for them.

In a way, I think I have learned to take it a day a time... last Friday, Yakee put a bead up his nose which got stuck, and I had the grace to get amused at how typical it was (and thankful it wasn't that bad). Normally, I'd have gotten quite anxious and angry.

Having to let go of old notions is par for the course, too. When I was starting out, I had all these plans to make Yakee the brightest student there is... I wanted to teach him to read early and enrol him in all sorts of classes. But I am more relaxed now, just letting the boys unfold at their own pace. And I relish the fact that Yamee, at one and half years old, is still such a baby (in his swimming class, instead of crawling over the mat to me, he'd lay his head instead with the sweetest expression of sleep readiness).

I have had so many bad moments... moments I cannot be proud of and for which there is no excuse. But I believe the boys still know they are loved, know it in their bones, despite all of their mother's imperfections.

Therein lies the great possibilities... for them.

And my reward? Why, it's watching them unfold.

date is ironic since I never went into labor with them :D

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