When someone you know dies, you get confronted by your own mortality.
As I was listening to my SIL relate to me the last days of her mother at the wake, I would sometimes get misty-eyed thinking about how things would be like if I die when my sons are still so young. Would they be as hyper as my nephew was then? Would they cry? Will they also miss naps during the wake? Who will comfort them? How will my husband be like as a parent without me?
When I got home, I came home to a crying Yakee who has been upset for a while, moaning for me. That started his most recent "I don't want you to leave me" phase.
Yesterday, hubby and I attended the burial and chose to leave the kiddos behind so they won't be exposed to the elements and viruses anymore. During the drive, I couldn't help bringing up the subject of death... and wondering aloud if people would even go to my wake, and where I would have my wake, and where I will be buried. Hubs got sad with all the talk... and I guess, the thought of death weighed heavy on me.
When Yakee was upset last night, he cried and cried to me about not wanting me to leave him alone. I took it at face value and explained that we never leave him alone and that we take care of ourselves so we could come back. That was before dinner. I repeated the same to hubs within Yakee's hearing just so it's reinforced that his parents love him and will do their best to come back.
You see, it's hard making promises when we're very much at the mercy of fate.
Oh, we also told him that, chances are, when he's growon older and bigger, he's the one who is going to leave us behind... as he travels and tries new things, and mabe start a family of his own. And that's okay.
But... last night, Yakee couldn't sleep. Then he cried and cried again and it came out that he doesn't want me to die. I had to hold him close and tell him that everybody dies, and that I hope God hears our evening prayers to let hubs and I parent him for a long time. I told him that we all go to heaven after... and backtracked and said, we all start in heaven then God sends us on a mission here on earth, which is why we were born. Then, after our mission is done, God recalls us back to heaven. I explained that it's always sad losing loved ones, but since the loved ones go to heaven... they're happy there and will just wait for those they left behind. I also reminded him that he is in my heart and I am in his, so that dead or not, even if I wasn't by his side, a part of me remains with him.
Later on, he asked if he could play in heaven and I said yes... and he said he'd like that.
And finally, he was pacified. But it took half an hour (and much of me silently talking to his angel) before he fell asleep.
And when he fell asleep, I 'invoked' things for him :D (yes baby, Mommy is Waldorf this way)
I really should not be dwelling on morbid possibilities...