Thursday, August 2, 2012

Sorry, Darlings

I became a scolding, shouting mess again yesterday... well, I wasn't shouting the whole day but it was a long time since I last felt I needed to shout. I was really not in control of myself and my situation with the kids in some occasions --- something I have had progress with.

Sigh.

Nothing really bad happened... though I really felt I lost ground with the 'better attitude' I got going for a while. I was just really exhausted after days of stress and having to go back and forth places. I was also being eaten by guilt from leaving Yamee behind for long periods of time. A part of me believes that I still shouldn't be letting him go without me for that long, haha, and for no good reason (the Waldorf crash course was a different case because that was to help improve how I parent).

But it cannot be helped. Having me back was stressor enough and the boys started pretty early (upon waking up, fighting over who's going to get my phone for me). Having Pappie back from the hospital was just too much. And yeah, sugar high from grapes.

It also wouldn't have been an issue if I was leaving them with my cousin, whom I trust. But I left them with our helper, a stranger still, someone who I do not see able to provide the mothering I feel my sons deserve. Thankfully, God has been really kind this time because our helper seems to really like my kids. She has been hard at work building Lego towers and drawing for my kids. The other day, I also came home to Yamee shrieking with laughter because our angel of a helper was playing with him.

I am just happy to be back with my sons again. Having to be away from them made me realize yet again how it would kill me if I have to go back to work. I cannot stand the separation!

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